Jerry, you need to find god
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Randomize
