Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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