I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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