Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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