That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
