i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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