i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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