i just wanna soil my oats bro
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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