I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
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