I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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