Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
