when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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