i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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