So the hot 23 year old i went home with last night is really 17 and was here for orientation.. i feel like a pedifile...
In that case, you should probably come up to the union, orientation is in full swing, your kind of guys ;)
cunt.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
