Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
