woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
