dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
