Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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