Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
