Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
