On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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