Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
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