she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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