if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
