i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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