I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
