I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
