his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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