I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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