Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
