Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
