well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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