found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
