I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize