A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
