I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
