dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
3pm strippers are depressing
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize