I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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