yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
