Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
