My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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