I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
BRING THE BAGELS
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
