Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Randomize
