I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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