I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
