I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
