community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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