Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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