You're my little dorito
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
