Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Randomize
