meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
