Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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