He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
