the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
