Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
