I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
