did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
