Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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