So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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