I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
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