we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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