I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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