i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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