I only kidnapped one of them. chill
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
