I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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