hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
They should really pass out barf bags in church
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
