Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
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