He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
