I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
