Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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