I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
