Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
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